she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
