That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
