my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
