Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
