rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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