Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
