He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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