my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
