you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
