Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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