Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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