where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
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i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
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She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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