Redeem this text for a blowjob
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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