My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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