dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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