I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just made my gag reflex go away.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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