where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
