While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
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The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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