Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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