hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
