The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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