I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Someone came in the potted fern
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
