Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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