I cannot find my penis.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
