i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
