My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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