Moan for me like Helen Keller
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
