I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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