i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
