I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
