I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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