Will you blow on my dice?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
