she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
