She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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