I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
