the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
