and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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