whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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