she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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