I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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