Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
