That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
