I need to stop coming to work sober
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
