highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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