I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
