Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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