Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
