hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
