Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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