Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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