We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
