Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
