He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
